I assumed that, because I had someone who supported me, someone who cared about me, someone who loved me, I could no longer have the same ambitions I once had. I no longer had the fears of worthlessness trailing around in my mind. I was free, but it felt like another trap.
So I tried to find something better, something new to feel horrible about. Some impending doom that would one day make everything different. They say that every character needs a flaw, just as every story needs an antagonist, or there’s nothing interesting about them. I’ve seen people inflict conflict just to feel like they mean something. It’s much better to fight something, and fight something, because even if you don’t win, there’s always the possibility that you will one day. When there’s nothing to fight, you’re forced to understand the world as it is – unchanging, really, uncaring, and unimaginable. Depending on the scale at which you look at things, things could be very important, or they could have absolutely no meaning whatsoever. There’s always some other thing to know, there’s always some other illusion to unravel, nothing is as it is and nothing has ever been and somehow it’s all just become faster, not slower. How is someone so young expected to deal with realizing the world means nothing? How is someone who has only ever sought to bring about truth and equality supposed to deal with realizing that there will never be either?
Knowing too much too soon can crush a person’s spirit. I don’t think people realize yet that the damage has been done – who knows, maybe it hasn’t been done! Or maybe the consequences just aren’t evident yet.
Sometimes, I think back on the days where I didn’t have the anxiety that the world as I know it is just about to end. Those were the days when anything was possible, because I knew nothing. Silly as it sounds, for awhile, I tried to regress – to bring myself back to the days when I knew too little to feel intimidated. After all, they say the master’s greatest opponent is found in the beginner, or something to that effect. And then I feel silly about having thought it at all, wondering why I’d want to be lonely again, why I’d want to feel useless again. I realize I can never go back to those days. There must be a solution. There must be a way away from it all, where deep breaths and jogs will make everything okay again. Maybe social interaction, real social interaction, will cure it. But it’s hard to judge whatever “real” social interaction was to begin with, under all the pretenses. Now that we’re living cliches and memes and trends and stereotypes and assumptions and quick blurbs of information that no one really understands, I can’t say that even face-to-face interaction could prove meaningful anymore. Perhaps what’s really wrong is that we don’t know ourselves well enough. Maybe we just need to explore further – challenge ourselves! Learn a language, get a tattoo, go skydiving, try a new high. Maybe we’re overlooking that what we really needed was just the love and support of our family and friends. And perhaps there’s nothing wrong at all! Perhaps the struggle was all just the human condition, and what we’ve been searching for all along has really just been internal peace. Perhaps we should all just slow the fast pace of the world by not caring anymore, by not trying. Maybe we should all just kill ourselves. That would certainly aid in the overpopulation problem.
In the end, it’ll all just keep going, regardless of what I think. I can at least feel at rest knowing that, when the whole humanity thing is a thing of the past, entropy will still continue its descent into chaos.